


Getting Over You

by fullmetalscully



Series: Camp Nano 2019 [8]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunken Confessions, F/M, Fluff, Royai - Freeform, and riza putting up with his shit, dating someone else, drunk roy, roy being dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 10:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18737170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetalscully/pseuds/fullmetalscully
Summary: Roy tries to get over Riza but he very quickly discovers that it won't work





	Getting Over You

**Author's Note:**

> “Just an idea for a fanfic: Roy is trying to date someone else, because he decides he has to move on from Riza. He soon realizes it is a dumb thing to do and he loves her so much, so he confesses. I was also thinking Riza isn't okay with the other woman, obviously, but that isn't important. I don't know, if you like the idea and have time. I love your fics, congrats!” - anon

 

**_we’re not lovers_ **

**_but more than friends_ **

**_tonight i’m getting over you | carly rae jepsen_ **

The woman across from Roy was lovely. Her long brown hair flowed and curled over her shoulder, swept over her left to expose her neck. A thin, golden, necklace surrounded it, resting on her chest, sitting just above the neckline of her dress. Her beauty was outstanding, Roy had thought, as he charmed her with his smile and conversation.

But it wasn’t a certain blonde-haired woman he had grown to love over the years.

That was the whole point of tonight, to try and forget and move past the feelings that had plagued him for over fifteen years. They both needed to, that was a mutual understanding between them. It wasn’t healthy to remain stagnant in the constant state of limbo they had found themselves in.

They had their past, they had made their bed in Ishval, and now they had to lie in it.

Perhaps that’s why they were so drawn together. Only a monster could love another monster.

Riza told him she was happy by his side, but there was always that haunted look in her eyes. _He_ had caused that. _He_ had influenced her decision to join the military, however indirectly it was. Riza – good, kind, caring, Riza – had murdered thousands of innocents because of him.

He didn’t deserve to be happy because of that and he certainly didn’t deserve her.

So, he would look on from afar. She deserved someone who didn’t drag her off to war to make her do things she would regret for the rest of her life. Roy shuddered at the memory of her resentment when she arrived in Ishval, seeing _exactly_ what he was capable of with the flame alchemy she had entrusted to him.

“Is something wrong?” Lucy asked with a kind smile.

“Ah, nothing,” Roy smirked, turning his charm on the lovely lady across from him. _Not Riza, though._ “It was just a shiver.”

“I can help warm you up,” she smiled, reaching across to run lazy circles on the back of his hand.

He should want to go home with her, but the look of desire in her eyes and the promise her actions suggested drew him up short.

This was useless. Plus, this was unfair to Lucy. She deserved someone who could give her all of themselves, not someone who had already promised himself to another woman years ago.

“I’m sorry,” Roy apologised, gearing up for his big apology speech. This wasn’t working. He retracted his hand, folding them together atop the table. “I just got out of a relationship and I’m not quite as ready as I thought it was,” he lied. It was better than the tuth.

“But you’re Central’s “most eligible bachelor”,” she chuckled, her amusement speaking of how absurd she thought that title was. Roy and Lucy both. There was a sympathetic look in her eyes that Roy didn’t expect to see. “Is there someone else, Roy?”

He could lie. He _should_. But…

“Yes.” Her smile was wide and understanding. “I’m so sorry.”

Lucy straightened in her chair. “I thought so.” Roy’s blood ran cold in his veins. Was he that obvious? “Go and see your girl, Roy.” She winked at him.

Roy stood, placing more than enough money down on the table to cover both their meals and a very generous tip. He kissed the back of Lucy’s hand gratefully, apologising profusely. She laughed away his apology, the sound carefree and light, a contrast to his daily thoughts.

That was the other thing about Lucy, she didn’t want someone like him, not really. Everyone had their own darkness inside, but Roy was a blackhole. He would eventually corrupt her like he did with everyone else he had met.

The only other person alive who knew exactly how he felt was Riza.

So why did he chicken out when the time came to tell her how he really felt?

* * *

Riza tried not to think too much about the significance of tonight. Tried. However, it was all the men had been talking about that afternoon. They were aware of _some_ kind of past between her and Roy but didn’t know the whole story or their current situation; that weird limbo in between being close friends and lovers. They weren’t quite the latter, opting to maintain professionalism so they didn’t compromise each other, but the feelings were there.

Regardless, he had still gone out on a date with another woman.

Tonight, was date number four.

So, Riza only _thought_ the feelings were there. They were for her, anyway. Clearly, it was one-sided.

The shrill ring from the phone in her hallway interrupted her thoughts. Jumping slightly at the sudden noise, Riza stood wearily, sick of this song and dance her and Roy kept doing and answered the phone. Her faithful pup had obviously picked up on her quieter mood this Friday evening, so elected to stay by her side as she moved to the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hawkeye,” Madame Christmas’ gravelly voice greeted her. Riza closed her eyes in resignation, instantly knowing _exactly_ what this phone call was about. With a knowing sigh, Riza answered the Madame.

“Again?” Frustration was clear in her tone.

“Afraid so.” There was a hint of disapproval in Christmas’ tone, but whether that was directed to her drunk nephew or Riza’s attitude, the latter was too tired of all of this to care. “And… Well, you better come and see this.”

The word “no” was on the tip of her tongue. She _always_ had to take him home. Christmas never called anyone else. So, Riza had to give up her peaceful Friday night to go and pick up her drunk boss from his aunt’s bar.

Oh, and she was in love with him, so of course she couldn’t say no.

It was unfair. The things he said once the alcohol had loosed his tongue, the things he promised… It made Riza shiver with delight while dread pooled in her stomach, because they couldn’t move past where they were now. Not until they had atoned for their sins.

It was just a shame he never remembered those promises.

So Riza would continue to keep picking up Roy after he got smashed at his aunt’s bar after a date, playing the role of dutiful bodyguard and adjutant, because god knows there was no one else who would put up with such bullshit from him. Hughes was gone, so that mantle fell on Riza’s shoulders, and she wouldn’t wish that burden on any of the other men. They simply didn’t have the patience.

She just wished the whole “after a date” part could be left out of it, to spare herself the heartache.

“I’ll be right over,” Riza replied, ensuring to put as much of her irritation into her tone.

“Thank you, Riza,” the Madame answered, surprising Riza. She never used her first name. It was either “Hawkeye” or “Elizabeth”. “You’re a real gem and too good for my boy.”

“I, uh, th – thank you, Madame Christmas.”

With a nod and a farewell, Riza ended the call, staring at the phone in shock. Something was… fishy here. And why did she need to go to the bar to see what was happening?

Riza steeled herself as she entered, mentally preparing herself to deal with this Lucy woman. In all honesty she was lovely enough, stunning, and would be perfect for Roy. She didn’t have any darkness within her like Riza did. She was untainted by war and trauma, unlike Riza.

But that didn’t mean Riza had to like her.

Was it childish? Yes. Was it idiotic? Yes.

But the heart wants what the heart wants. It was extremely irritating.

“Rizaaa!” Roy called _very_ loudly from his seat by the bar. He had turned around jerkily at the sound of the door opening, the stool spinning more forcefully than he anticipated. As he rose his glass in a toast to her he wobbled, so much so that the Madame’s hand shot out across the bar, steadying her nephew who was wearing the silliest drunken grin.

Riza noted there was a distinct lack of a female companion. However, was this _really_ a place you took a woman on a date?

“Come on! Come get a drink!” he slurred, spinning back around. It was reminiscent of a child on a swivel chair, enjoying the way it spun, like it was a game.

“No, Roy,” the Madame replied firmly, taking the drink from her nephew’s hands. “You’ve had enough. Time to go home.”

Roy pouted – Riza could see it as she approached the bar apprehensively. “You’re no fun,” he whined, trying to clumsily swipe the glass of whisky back from her.

“Nope. Home time. Hawkeye’s here to pick you up.”

“Riza!” he grinned, turning to face her again. “My favourite Riza.” He hiccupped then giggled to himself. “My one and only,” he professed, trying to prop his elbow on the top of the bar, only for it to slide forward and his head to _thump_ painfully off the polished wood.

“All right, sir,” Riza announced. “Time to go home.” Trying to hide her amusement was incredibly difficult. That’s what he got for getting her to drive him home after his date. Riza only prayed Lucy wasn’t here with him and she wouldn’t have to driver her home too.

As if reading her mind, Madame Christmas answered that question for her. “Just a taxi for one tonight, Lieutenant Hawkeye.”

Good. There was only so much Riza could take in one night and dealing with drunken Roy put her at her limit.

“Noooo…” her charge whined as he lifted his head, rubbing the side where his head had connected with the hardwood. “I want to stay. I want to stay here with Hawkeye.”

“Well, what we want isn’t always what we get,” Riza replied, just realising how she sounded after the words left her mouth. Feeling Christmas’ gaze on her, Riza purposefully ignored it as she lifted one of Roy’s arms over her shoulders, grasping that wrist, while snaking one of hers around his back.

“That’s true! You’re so wise Riza,” he gushed, wobbling as he stood.

“Yes, sir,” she replied, desperate to keep that professional barrier between them. Things were getting into dangerous territory. If Riza wasn’t careful, this could get very messy.

The trip to his apartment was uneventful. Roy fell asleep in back, snoring softly as his head rested against the cool glass of the window. Riza purposefully put him in the backseat to avoid dealing with him if he decided to try and stay awake to talk to her while he was in the passenger’s seat. Getting him into his apartment was easy once she’d finally woken him up again. It took three decent slaps to his cheek to rouse him from his drunken sleep.

It was only when they were in his bedroom that things begun to get complicated, like the usually did.

But with one exception.

“I love you, Riza,” he breathed as she draped his suit jacket over the back of the armchair in his bedroom. Glancing back sharply, his head was bowed, shoulders slumped forwards.

“Wh – What?”

His head lifted and Riza was left breathless at the miserable, desperate, look in his eyes. One tear fell down his cheek slowly, dripping onto his white shirt. He looked so… broken. Shattered. A shell of his usual self.

“I love you.” His eyes shone with a different kind of clarity. This… This was a new one. Usually there was the begging for her not to leave him, to hold him while he slept to keep his demons away, coupled with promises that one day he would make her happy. Sometimes, Riza obliged – selfishly – but it wasn’t often. It had only ever happened twice. The rest of the time, she couldn’t.

“I love you so much,” he repeated. “I really do.”

“Sir –”

“Please don’t use that,” he begged in a whisper, breath hitching. “I can’t bear that that’s all I am to you.”

“S – Roy,” Riza corrected herself. “You know why that is,” she replied gently.

“I do, but I _hate_ it. I hate that I can’t hold the woman I love, tell her how much I love her, hold her close,” he repeated, the clarity from his eyes gone. There was a sinking feeling in Riza’s stomach. These words may have all been from the heart, but how much of it would he remember when he awoke?

Still… It was nice to hear.

Those feelings the supposedly shared were still buried inside him somewhere. How true they were, remained to be seen. He was incredibly drunk, after all.

“The other women,” he gestured, voice taking on a tone of mild disgust. “Are a distraction,” he slurred. Roy gestured wildly with his hand, as if brushing those other women away from him, but he almost toppled off the bed in his enthusiasm. Riza reached to steady him, Roy’s eyes instantly finding hers as soon as Riza’s hand was on his shoulder.  “Lucy never meant anything to me,” he added, voice earnest. “Honestly. It was a way to try and get over you, but… but I found out… I didn’t want to.”

Riza’s stomach dropped.

“All I could think about was you,” he mumbled, eyes drooping closed. Without a word, Riza edged him onto his back as he lay down. “There’s always only ever been you… Love you…” His eyes closed slowly, face going slack.

Riza watched him, frozen in place by his revelation.

This was… life changing. Literally, everything could change between them, both good and bad, if Riza brought it up again. However, due to personal reasons, she knew she never would. They had sins to atone for and a job to do. There was no place in her life for talk like this, even if Roy was telling the truth.

Chalking up to the effects of the drink, Riza steadied her shaking hands as she poured him his usual glass of water and collected a couple of painkillers from his medicine cupboard. Upon returning to his room, Roy was passed out and snoring.

* * *

Roy’s head pounded as he awoke. There was a moment of disorientation as he tried to remember where he was and how he had gotten into his bed. Flashes of last night returned to him briefly, like a blinding white light that made his head hurt even more.

His body was lying on top of the comforter. His black overcoat lay neatly over the side of the chair in his bedroom. His blazer was draped over the back so that it wouldn’t crush. The trousers of his suit and his shirt were a lost cause though, they were crumpled to hell, but that was something he was okay with. The thought of Riza undressing him to put him to bed was too much to handle.

Trying to sit up was a straight failure. The bile in his stomach made itself known and he retched into a basin that he didn’t remember placing by the side of his bed last night. Come to think of it, he certainly wouldn’t have collected the tall glass of water and painkillers which currently resided on his bedside table.

_Riza…_

She was always taking care of him, he realised miserably as he rested his head on the rim of the basin.

Four hours later, once he was finally able to face standing up, Roy fumbled his way to the phone in his living room.

“Can I talk to you?” he rasped, asking immediately after Riza answered, barely giving her the chance to say hello. Silence greeted him on the other side of the phone and Roy thought she wasn’t going to answer.

“About what, sir?” she asked casually, but there was an edge to her voice. She was annoyed. Roy groaned internally. The flashes had formed into full blown memories a short while ago, as they always did after a night of drinking. He wasn’t lucky enough to be able to forget any embarrassing things he had said or done while drunk.

Which meant he also remembered every drunken word he confessed to Riza, every promise he made to her.

He swallowed the bile in his throat, a result of the nerves in his stomach. Last night he had told Riza he loved her. As in, “ _I’m in love with you_ ”. This… both wasn’t a good thing but something he was also relieved about. It was out there, in the open. He had drunkenly confessed it, which, in a way, was a coward’s way out, but at least the drink had given him the courage to say something he had been meaning to for _years_. The result of his revelation while out with Lucy had sparked it and the excess drink had spurred the notion along.

“Last night.”

“Don’t mention it, sir, just helping out a –”

“But you didn’t have to, though. You _never_ have to. I want to make it up to you.”

“Sir –”

“Riza, please,” he begged, his voice dropping low, almost a whisper. “I need to speak with you.”

“All right,” she agreed after a moment. “Where –”

“My place? As soon as possible?”

There was another pause. “Understood, sir.”

“Thank you,” he breathed, but she had already hung up the phone.

Roy spent the next twenty minutes showering and brushing his teeth to rid his mouth once and for all of his vomit breath. The basin he had vomited into numerous times was no clean and sitting on the balcony at the back of his apartment to air off. It wouldn’t do to have that sitting in the house while he had a guest.

After the benign greetings and small talk – as little of it as there was – Roy launched right into what he had planned to say.

“I’m sorry,” he announced. “I was out of order last night and I truly do appreciate you coming to pick me up and bring me home from the bar.”

“Not a problem, sir,” she replied simply. Roy’s cheek twitched at the use of “sir”.

“But the thing is you _don’t_ need to do that.”

“The Madame didn’t make it seem like she was giving me much of a choice,” Riza replied, tone dry.

“That’s…” his tongue almost slipped. He had asked Christmas to always call Riza to pick him up from the bar if he got out of hand. She was the only one on the team capable of putting up with his shit, and while the Madame disapproved of the arrangement (because it was grossly unfair to Riza), she agreed, nonetheless. The truth was, Roy didn’t trust anyone else as much as he did her. “Sorry. Things are a little foggy as I try and piece it all back together.”

He cursed himself as he automatically begun to chicken out.

“You don’t remember anything, I understand.” Her tone said she understood, because that was the lie he told her every time, but the edge in Riza’s voice showed her true bitterness.

That was what pushed him to finally reveal the truth.

The lie saved complicating things between them however he should be fucking mature and level headed enough not to get himself into that position in the first place. His demons didn’t see it that way and sometimes Roy just needed to shut them up with the poison of alcohol. At least, for a few hours, he could forget…

Only for it to come rushing back. The reminder of the inappropriate things he’d said to his dearest subordinate, the way she would take care of him without complaint when he was drunk off his ass, it all came back to him. It was also a very nice reminder that he didn’t deserve Riza Hawkeye. She was so good to him and Roy, in return, treated her like dirt.

Today, he would rectify that.

“That’s the thing, I _do_ remember.” Roy watched carefully as she begun to scoff, only to freeze in place finally realising what he had said. “I remember last night, and I remember what I say every time.”

“E – every time?” she questioned. Roy nodded. Her expression changed. “Why did you lie, then?”

It was a fair question, one he expected. “Because if I told you the truth, it would complicate things between us and we’ve both come to a mutual understanding about that,” he gestured between the two of them. “The truth is…” he took a deep breath, getting ready to dive headfirst into a dark and stormy sea, not knowing what would happen to him once he breached the surface of the water. “I do love you, Riza.” She was a statue now. “But the reason I never said it before is because I feel I don’t _deserve_ you. Not after what I did to you and in Ishval. Keeping you at arms-length was the appropriate course of action.

“So, I lied to cover it up.” He chuckled humourlessly to himself. “I always was a coward when it came to our personal relationship. Too scared to admit how I felt in case I fucked it up.” Roy’s eyes dropped, falling to rest on his clasped hands in front of him. His elbows dug deeper into his knees, using them to steady himself in the tumultuous sea before him. Riza had yet to say a word. If it meant he could get everything out in one go rather than hiding from it behind another answer he had to give her, then it was for the best.

Even if it did fuck everything up, at least the truth was finally out there after over a decade. She deserved that much, at least.

“I have been incredibly selfish, and for that I apologise.”

Riza stared at him for a long moment. Roy’s gaze dropped, feeling ashamed of everything he had put this wonderful woman through over the years. The edge and irritation he had heard in her voice earlier was Riza reaching her breaking point. Roy knew this. There was only so much she would be able to take.

He had said his piece, however there was one more thing he had to say.

He had to give her the option to walk away, should she desire it. It was only fair.

“In my desk drawer at work there are a set of forms,” he began, unable to look her in the eyes. Again, being a coward. “They’re transfer forms.” It was barely audible, but Riza’s breath caught. “Should you wish to have me sign them off, I’ll readily accept, and you can finally be free of me and my bullsh –”

“Idiot!” she shouted, standing abruptly. Roy jumped in fright at the sudden rise in her voice. “Do you really think that’s what I want?”

Roy’s mouth opened and closed like a goldfish. “I thought –”

“I’m sick of your bullshit, yes,” she seethed, glare pinning him in place. “You’re a grown man, you should fucking know better, but do you _really_ think that I would _want_ to transfer away from the team? And you can’t even look me in the eyes to say that?” She scoffed.

“I… I…”

“This has nothing to do with you, and _everything_ to do with you,” she added, laughing humourlessly to herself. A hand ran through her hair, leaving bits of it sticking up on her head. “What you think you deserve and what _I_ think you deserve are vastly different,” she replied, gaze hard. “I promised to protect you and follow you, didn’t I?”

“Yes,” he replied upon realising she was waiting for him to answer.

“We promised we would atone for our sins, correct?”

“Yes.” His voice was stronger this time.

“We promised we would do that together.”

“We did,” he swallowed.

“So why the _fuck_ would I want to transfer away?”

“Riza, I’m sorry, I just thought –”

“Yeah?” she asked, and Roy was shocked to see her eyes were wet. “Well, you thought wrong. God,” she scoffed to herself. “You’re an idiot.”

“I mean, I know I am, but why do you think so?”

“Because I love you too, _doofus_.” Roy felt his heart stop, only to rev up into top gear, beating wildly. “I’ve done so for years and I don’t want to leave you, but you’ve been too blind to see it. You remember everything you say after I put you to bed, black-out drunk? Well, I _live_ it. I have to hold you as you cry yourself to sleep, I have to listen to your ramblings about how “one day” we’ll be together, and we’ll be happy.” Her eyes were threatening to spill over now and Roy was transfixed by Riza’s show of raw emotion. “I have to watch you go on dates with other women and pick you up afterwards, listening to you _rave_ about how great they are to the other guys!”

Roy was up and out of the chair as the first tear fell down her cheek. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, refusing to let go even as she struggled.

“It’s all an act,” he whispered past the lump in his throat. “I was drunk last night but I meant every word. It’s the only time I could tell you the truth because it’s the only time I didn’t feel scared to death about us.”

“Why were you so scared?” she asked, a quiet sob interrupting her words. Her fight against his hold ended, Riza’s hands splaying across his chest since he had trapped her arms between their bodies.

“In case you left me. In case it was too much to deal with, loving me while being physically unable to.”

“So, you leave me to wonder if your drunken ramblings are real or not?” she asked indignantly.

“Yes.” Riza stilled against him. “Yes, because it was the safest curse of action. It was so _stupid_ , I know that, but there was never an appropriate time to tell you the truth. Not without us getting into trouble.”

“You’re –”

“An idiot,” he chuckled to himself. “I know.”

“Well, yes,” Riza replied matter-of-factly, and Ry gave her a quick squeeze of affection. “But you’re _my_ idiot.”

“I am.”

“That’s why I watch your back. Someone has to stop you acting like one. I’ll just need to try harder next time.”

Roy laughed quietly. “You do a grand job as it is, however, I apologise this one took a little longer to figure out.”

Riza took a deep breath. “I love you too, Roy, but know this can’t change anything between us.”

“Oh, I know, don’t worry.” He loosened his grip, placing his hand on Riza’s upper arms to pull her back, gazing lovingly down at her. “But I had to get it out there. After that date with Lucy last night I fully realised how stupid that idea was. There was _no way_ I would be able to get over you. There’s only _ever_ been you.”

Riza smiled sweetly up at him, placing her head back on his chest with a content sigh.

At least the truth was out there now. Where this left them? Roy wasn’t sure. But for the moment, things were okay.

All was as it should be in the universe, with Roy openly admitting he loved Riza Hawkeye, and Riza openly admitting she loved Roy Mustang.


End file.
